(soft music) (indistinct chattering) (Nikkie): If you’re doing social media, your fear is that one day you’re over and out and goodbye. The competition is so strong. So, I have to keep going on. Sometimes you get sucked up in it, and then.
.. …life happens. (church bells ringing) My mom texted me, um… “It’s going very fast. He can’t hold up anymore.” I remember landing in Holland and she texted me, “How long do you need?” And I’m like, well, I don’t know.
I don’t… Like an hour? An hour and a half? Two hours? She’s like, “Just please, please hurry, because he told us he’s waiting for you.” I walk in and I see my family surrounding his bed. I sat next to him, I held his hand, and I could just see that he was so happy that his big sister came home.
And that’s… …when he finally had rest. I don’t think I’ve ever cried that much in my life. (soft piano music) When he passed, I remember really, like, ignoring the situation by work. Like, work, work, work, work.
Like, indulged myself in work. (suspenseful music) He had such a life still in front of him, I was like, if I am gonna let all of this in, it’s gonna break me. And I was like, I… I’d rather not feel and be able to, like, keep it pushing, than let it all in.
(indistinct chattering) – Hey! – Hey! (excited screaming) (laughing) (Nikkie): Hi! Hi! – Wow, you really do it all yourself. – I’m helping. Hello! – I’m your biggest fan ever. – Stop. You’re so nice to me.
– You’re so tall! – Freshly after losing Mikai, I was up to film a colab with Meghan Trainor. Today I am joined by worldwide sensation. She’s all about that bass. – Ooh! – She’s all about that glam too! – Yes! – Please welcome Meghan Trainor! – Hello! – Hello! Nobody’s here.
– No one. (Nikkie): And she talks about whenever you’re feeling down, or feel like life knocked you down, it’s okay to take a moment to treat yourself. And to be in that moment. – I wrote a song called Treat Myself, and it was about like.
.. anything you’re dealing with in life that’s real difficult, no matter how busy you are in your career, or in your life, you’re allowed to take a moment to stop and to, like, heal from that. – Yeah, no, I went through something.
.. pretty intense. – I know. – Um… And this… I’m not gonna cry. – Yes. – Love! – I love you. I’m sorry. – If there’s one thing people need to know about me, is that whenever I feel like it’s a struggle bus, I.
.. I don’t treat myself, I push it away. – She wants to be the tough one. And she wants to be… She’d rather say, “It’s all good,” instead of saying like, “Mmm, I don’t feel that well,” Or, “This is going on.
” – Just blend it away! – Blend, blend, blend. (Nikkie): As soon as Mikai passed away, I didn’t want to say a word about it. ‘Cause I was like, “I’m just gonna ignore this, and we’re just gonna stick back to make up.
” And people were like, “Nikkie, it’s okay! You can tell us what you think. You can tell us what you’re going through.” Oh my goodness. This video’s gonna be an emotional mess. It’s been a while since I’ve been here on my channel.
Two and a half years ago, we found out that my little brother had cancer. And it was a long, long battle um, that he unfortunately eventually lost. There I go. My little brother, Mikai, is about the strongest little dude I’ve ever met in my life, and I’m not gonna cry, stop it! And then all the stories start pouring in where people have lost their fathers, their brothers, their sisters, you know? They’ve lost loved ones.
And that showed me that I’m not alone. I just want to say thank you for giving me the time to be with my family, and to heal, and to get my mind in a better place. – If you look at Nikkie, there’s always this battle between her work and private balance.
And I always try to help her, you know? I’ve… once we started working, I introduced weekends. She never had weekends. Like, okay, on Friday I’ll say, “Have a good weekend.” And then on Monday, we’ll pick up the conversation.
– You know when life really gets you down, and you’re like, well, I think this is my lowest point. I think I can’t go any lower than this. Sometimes life has a way of gifting something. That gift is Dylan.
Hello, guys! It’s me, Nikkie. Today, I am joined by Mr… (both): Tutorials! Someone who doesn’t judge me for views, someone who doesn’t know about views, someone who literally looks at me for me. And it’s the best feeling ever.
If there’s one person who completely changed up my 2019, he’s sitting right next to me. (speaking in foreign language) (laughing) Sometimes I can look at the people around me and I be like… I’m sorry that it’s not this simple, easy.
.. lowkey lifestyle. Yeah. There’s days when I wake up and I’m like, (bleep) my life. (laughing) You know? Why do I have to be… this example? I don’t wanna be an example today. I wanna be Nikkie, and not be influential, and not be there for people to look up to.
And then a day later it’s like, yeah, it’s good. Every year, there’s a charity that’s called Alpe D’Huzes. It’s where people either walk up a mountain, or bike up a mountain. And this is the very first time in my life where I really.
.. use myself and my reach for something so much bigger in life. Here we go! Well, it’s gonna take us an hour and a half to get down, but here we go! For you! This is going to be very intense. But hey, we’re doing it to raise money for more research on cancer.
And we’re doing it for him. (light guitar music) (Linda): Do you know where we need to go? – No, I’m just following people. (laughing) (woman singing in foreign language) Okay, we’re not even halfway there.
(soft music continues) (panting) (whistling) I think he has… a big smile from ear to ear and thinks we’re stupid. (laughing) (soft music continues) (cheering) (indistinct shouting) – Nikkie! (cheering continues) – You did it! (crying) (Nikkie): We fought for that, and we really went through hell and back.
And it inspires me to… you know, know that I have this power, and to hopefully use that power again in the future, for good. (upbeat pulsing music) – Oh, my God! – I’m your biggest fan! – Oh, my God! I seen you, I was like, “Ah!” (woman announcing in foreign language) – Nikkie Tutorials! (crowd cheering) (Nikkie): Hi! (indistinct shouting) (cheering) (Linda): They’re sending them away? (Nikkie): Why? (excited shouting) (Linda): What was that? (Nikkie): A lot of boys weren’t allowed to meet me at the Meet and Greet, because they’re boys.
Um, which I find… First of all, I find it… I know there’s cultures, and I know there’s beliefs… But I, it’s like, you know, it’s just… a passion, you know? And just because they’re boys, doesn’t mean they can’t meet me.
I think that may have been one of the first sparks that made me go, “There is… a community to fight for.” Everyone’s like super secretive about being gay, here. It’s crazy, but it’s so brave. I think it’s so brave of them to just own it and live their life.
I remember feeling so frustrated and angry. Um, how they were denied access to the Meet and Greet. I’m like, are you kidding me? If only you knew. I have a secret. At one point it just hit me, it will come out.
And if it happens, you’re doing it for this. (laughing)